Maybe Baby, Maybe Not

Well, William finally said it. He thinks it's enough to have just one child. He is very satisfied with his son, Joseph. Let's not have another baby, he said. I have to admit I was a little disappointed to hear that, but am glad nonetheless that he vocalised his thoughts to me. I would not have a second child if I was the only one feeling thrilled about it.

You see, William is a caveman. Oh, I don't mean it as a derogatory term. Far from it, I've learnt to recognise and acquaint myself with this side of him. The cavemen of yore, they were hunters, not talkers. They leave the cave when daylight breaks to hunt animals, and bring food home to feed the family. In their spare time they fix or sharpen the weapons that helped them bring down beasts, for protection or for meat. Whenever the wife needed help around the cave-home, he nods or grunts in assent and sets to work on whatever that needed his attention.

That's William. Always reliable, you can bank on him to do his bit for the home. He brings back the dough, he helps around the house, he even babysits Joseph when I needed to go out for the evening. He's inclined to say "yes" to anything I want, just to make me happy. A caveman, who works hard for the family.

But I don't want to have my say or my way in everything, especially the decision to have another child, it is a very major one indeed. Initially William did say he's fine with it if I am ready to get "big" again, and go through those sleepless nights (caring for a newborn) all over again. But somehow I did not feel the peace within me to try and conceive then. I'm glad I didn't, for now I know the reason I felt a restraint was because William wasn't really ready.

Anyway, I'll just leave it to the Lord. In future, should we decide have a second baby, He shall put the desire into both our hearts. Jesus, our Lord, we love You.

Of Love & Pain, Life & ...

Had a busy weekend, we went for a short holiday to JB M'sia, and visited my siblings at the same time. I haven't been over "there" since Chinese New Year (three months ago), because I wanted Joseph to try out half-day school, then he caught a viral infection, was hospitalised, and yeah, as my previous posts had said it all, I shan't repeat everything all over again.

I discussed with William about when we should send him back to the centre. Tentatively, we decided that next month should be good. It's still quite painful for me to see him bored stiff at home with me. I honestly do not possess the gift/creativity/tenacity to occupy him with varied activities throughout the day; when he's asleep I don't want to awake him with the noise from doing my chores, so I'd mostly do my "work" while he's awake.

Once Joseph settles down nicely into his half-day routine this time, I'd like to convert him to the full day program. Then I could re-enter the workforce again, since I've outlived my "usefulness" at home. As a newborn, Joseph truly needed the protective embrace and constant care of his mother, but now he's outgrown the perimeters of his four walls, he needs contact with his peers, and expose all his senses to external environment.

Minutes after he was born, when the nurse carried Joseph back to the labour room after giving him a quick wipe, he laid quietly on the baby warmer as William silently watched this tiny human, his very own offspring. Soon after, William exclaimed excitedly, "He opened one eye! He's looking at me!"

I was still being stitched up by my gynaecologist at that point, but I nonetheless craned my neck to steal a glance. True enough, I could just see his sweet little head veered in the direction of his daddy, his adorable arms suspended in mid air as he waved them ever so slightly.

Hmph... after all that labouring I went through... he sets eyes on daddy first..! But my jealousy was short-lived, as I observed William's ecstasy. It just makes me feel warm all over to see this first moment of bonding between father and son.

During the delivery, when my labour pains got unbearable, I thought, " This is indeed the worst(est) pain in the whole, wide world!" After the baby was born, I just felt a deep sense of relieve, and can hardly wait to start this wonderful adventure dubbed "motherhood".

I began to experience the strangest encounters of my life, I could actually do with very little sleep, when my baby awoke many times in the night, for feeds or diaper changes. He need not even bawl loudly, the littlest squeak from his cot would send me up like a shot! Me, who could sleep through an alarm clock ringing by my bedside for a full 45mins till it died down by itself!

Much has been said about Labour Pain. It has earned itself different references, e.g. "the greatest pain of all" and "the mother of all pain". Having gone through childbirth myself, I thought I had reached the pinnacle of human suffering. I can now face anything, for there isn't any pain greater than Labour Pains.

I was proven wrong the following year. There is a pain far worse than the "greatest pain".

Shortly after Joseph celebrated his one year-old birthday in June 2005 (first with my in-laws & close friends in Singapore, then with my family in JB M'sia), my mother made plans to visit us two weeks later. It was to be a trip that never materialised.

Two days before she was to come to Singapore, on 26 June 2005, my mother fell seriously ill. I don't know why the first doctor who saw her did not admit her into hospital straightaway, but the next day, my brother-in-law and sis sent her in anyway. When they reached the doorstep of the hospital, my mother slipped into a coma and had to be carried in on a stretcher. She was warded into Intensive Care Unit, and I (plus William with young Joseph then) made frequent trips into JB to see her. My siblings and I, spoke to our mother and prayed over her though she was unconscious, and we constantly supported and encouraged one another.

Then came the dreaded call from my sis in the early wee hours, the hospital says that my mother may not make it through till next morning. I was at home in Singapore, and William told me to go ahead to stand vigil at my mother's bedside, he'll take urgent leave the next day and take care of Joseph while waiting for further news. I numbly packed a few things into a bag, and waited for my brother-in-law to drive me in to JB. I prayed that my mother would experience the Lord's peace and be pain-free. We already prayed in the beginning for her soul to be saved so I believe she would have already encountered Jesus; but my tears still came fast and the pain within me was so intense that I felt as though my heart would burst.

Finally we reached the hospital ward, and I saw my siblings surrrounding my mother's bed, calling her softly and stroking her grey hair. The doctor had just succeeded in stabilising her blood pressure so she was off-danger for the moment. At 8am plus, my mother's blood pressure started dipping again. We alerted the nurses and they informed the doctor. After a wait that seemed an eternity to us, a doctor finally appeared. He checked our mother's status and told us that as this is the second time within a short space of time that the blood pressure is plunging, there's little chance of survival. We could not accept it, I pleaded with the doctor to save our mother and not give up. He said there's nothing they can do for her anymore, all the medication are at maximum dosage, but she's still not responding.

My siblings and I , we stood around our mother's bed and told her we love her very much, we want her back, but if she chooses to return to Jesus now, we'll miss her a lot but she can make her own choice. She laid there, as though asleep, not a trace of fear or discomfort on her face. We watched closely the reading on the monitor screen reflecting her pulse rate and blood pressure, as we cried silent tears. We placed our hands over her face, body and limbs, as though we want her etched permanently in our memories. My mother's heartbeat and blood pressure progressively weakened, and at 10.30am, we witnessed the readings fall to zero.

My mother went to be with the Lord on 10 July, a day before my birthday. I still miss her a lot, at times I cry quietly in the night after William and Joseph is asleep. I'd often ask Jesus to tell my mother that I love her and miss her very much.

The greatest pain, to me, is not labour pains, whereby you bring forth a new life into this world. The greatest pain is losing someone you love dearly, the loss of a life departed from this world forever.

Lord Jesus, I thank You for loving and saving my mother. I thank You that she is blissfully happy in her heaven home now. Thank You for comforting me whenever I feel sorrowful about losing my mother. I know it's far better for her to rest in Your loving arms than remain in our temporal world.

Mother, I love you very much.

A New Gadget?

It was a new gadget. I had no idea who invented it. There I was, using it to distract Joseph as I fed him his meal. So, what was "it"?

"It" was a placemat. The kind that people put on their dining table to add a touch of class when hosting a dinner at home. What was unique about this particular "gadget" placemat?

It had pictures of little children on it, about five or six happy faces. So? What's the big deal? Get this, whenever Joseph started fussing, or refused his food, I just need to "activate" the placemat by touching on any of those smiling faces, and voila~ that face instantly scrunched up and let out a wailing cry! Got Joseph's attention real good, and while he's absorbed staring at this noisy placemat, I quickly spooned some more food into his mouth.

Sounds bizarre? I thought so too, especially after waking from this crazy dream just this morning! As I kept laying there, still half-drowsy, I wondered again why can't I just sleep through the night without dreaming? The truth of the matter is, I can't even remember when was the last time I slept through the night soundly, and dreamless.

I ever asked William, does he dream every night? He thought awhile and said, no. He doesn't usually dream while he slept. Only occasionally. I did ask a few friends the same question, and I got the same answer. Everyone seemed to only dream once in a while, except me.

I don't mind the dreams, only at times, they leave me feeling quite exhausted when I get up the next day. In those dreams where you are being chased by someone or something, you try so hard to run very fast. You exert all your strength to propel yourself forward and yet you only managed to move a couple of inches. I felt drained even while still in my dream running away from unknown danger, so you can imagine the state I'm in when I finally awaken.

Other equally stressful dreams were the ones in which I either drove a car or swam. In reality, I don't drive and I can't swim! So whenever these recurring dreams "recur", I could only feel panic and distress, as I tried to imagine how a car should be driven on the road, or how I can stay afloat in water.

Enough about dreams (or should I call them nightmares?). This morning as I mopped my kitchen floor, loud music wafted in through my open window. No, it wasn't my neighbours blaring their hi-fi set, it was the band playing for a funeral wake held downstairs. Usually I just turned a deaf ear to their robotic style of moving from one song to another. But this band played with a difference (sounds cheesy, I know!), in the middle of a goldie oldie tune, they did a drum solo! Wow, I don't mean to be irreverent, but have they thought of auditioning for the "Superband" contest? They'll probably think, "Superband" audition? Only in my dreams!!